


The Cost of Love

by Dexterous_Sinistrous



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, Blood Magic, Drama, Kirkwall, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Sexual Content, Slavery, Suicidal Thoughts, Warden Carver Hawke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-09
Updated: 2014-06-09
Packaged: 2018-02-03 23:58:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1760161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dexterous_Sinistrous/pseuds/Dexterous_Sinistrous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alexander Hawke has almost everything he could ever want as the Champion of Kirkwall. Since their time spent together three years ago, Hawke and Fenris are often stand offish and short in their interactions together. When Fenris's life is threatened, Hawke makes an impulsive decision to use blood magic for the first time, pushing a greater rift between the two of them. Both haunted and confronted by their pasts, Hawke and Fenris find themselves drawn back together again.</p><p>[Deals with Fenris's past with Danarius and Alexander Hawke's past in Lothering. The Rape/Non-Con Warning refers to both Hawke's and Fenris's past sexual experiences, not with one another.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Preserving the Future

**Author's Note:**

> FIC EDITED/UPDATED: 08/24/2014
> 
> AUTHOR'S NOTES:
> 
> 1\. Alexander Hawke is personality Charismatic/Humorous with elements of Diplomatic. He has never used blood magic before. (I am not condemning blood magic, merely stating that I'm not a fan of the whole demon part of it, given that you can turn into an abomination and all).
> 
> 2\. There are thoughts of suicide/being a suicide survivor. (If you or a loved one is thinking of suicide, please reach out to someone. Talk to someone. Doesn't have to be professional help, could even be me. I may not know you now, but I still care <3).
> 
> 3\. This fic is M/M and does contain sexual content. If you are offended by such things, please steer clear. Otherwise, enjoy :)

Hawke’s vision spun from the blow delivered to his head. He felt weak as if his body became impossibly heavy. His feet were like anchors as he tried to stand. _I haven’t been knocked down like this since Carver and I were kids_ , Hawke thought as he recalled Carver tackling him to the ground in anger at something Hawke said, their father eventually pulling them apart.

Hawke looked up and saw Aveline and Isabela fighting back to back as three Qunari surrounded them. _Fenris_ , he thought as he desperately looked for him. He knew it was stupid to bring Fenris along with him on his quests, but part of him couldn’t leave Fenris behind. He was distracted with Fenris as his priority, but he would rather Fenris fighting by his side than not at all.

Hawke saw Fenris fighting two of the Qunari by himself, altering between fighting and deflecting the two foes. Everything happened quicker than Hawke could have imagined as Fenris faltered in his counters, unable to block both of the Qunari as they attacked simultaneously. Fenris grunted as he fell to the ground.

“Fenris!” Hawke yelled loudly, his voice ripping through his throat as he watched the Qunari overpower him. He felt his stomach knot as he remembered Bethany and his mother. He remembered standing there, frozen as the ogre violently smashed Bethany into the ground. He remembered his mother collapsing in his arms, slowly dying while he was unable to do anything.

Hawke wasn’t sure how it all happened, but he was suddenly on his feet again. He winced as he ruthlessly slashed a wound into his forearm, blood pooling from his arm to supernaturally form into a ball of energy, gathering in the palm of his hand. His eyes glowed a fiery red in response to the blood magic. He outwardly reached both hands in the direction of the Qunari, focusing his energy on the two foes that were attacking Fenris. Two spiritual hands appeared out of the Fade, grasping one of the Qunari before pulling him apart.

“Hawke!” Aveline’s voice echoed throughout the battlefield as she realized what Hawke had done.

“Bloody hell,” Isabela muttered, an impressed tone hinted in her voice.

Hawke didn’t stop, but used the spirit’s hands to grab the other Qunari. He slammed the bodies into the ground repeatedly before throwing them to the side like rag dolls. Hawke let his hands rest at his sides, the glow dying out of his eyes as he breathed heavily. Without thinking, he hurried over to Fenris, kneeling beside him.

“Are you alright?” Hawke asked, reaching for Fenris.

Fenris suddenly jerked his body away from Hawke’s hands, standing up on his own. Hawke remained kneeling, knowing something was wrong as Fenris stood away from him.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Fenris asked in an angered tone.

Hawke was surprised to hear Fenris's angry tone. He had heard Fenris angry before, but never directed at him. He felt a faint hurt resonate through his body when he realized he was the cause of such anger.

“I was saving your life,” Hawke responded matter-of-factly.

“With _blood_ magic?” Fenris spoke the words with bitterness.

“I made a choice.” Hawke wanted to laugh at his own response. _You were scared you were about to lose the last person alive that you love. You didn’t do it for him, you did it for yourself_.

“An idiotic choice,” Fenris responded.

“Hawke, you know better than to resort to that,” Aveline chided as a mother would.

“He saved us, big deal.” Isabela pulled her dagger out of a dead Qunari, wiping the blood against the corpse.

“Big deal? Blood magic is dangerous,” Aveline argued as she turned to face Isabela.

Hawke blocked out the two of them fighting, watching Fenris for a sign that he was going to forgive him. He stood up, moving closer to Fenris. As he reached a hand out to him, Fenris turned and smacked it away.

“Don’t touch me,” Fenris violently stated.

“Fenris, listen to-” Hawke wasn't sure what he was going to say. He didn't know if he could even rationalize what just happened. Fenris didn't allow him the chance to, though.

“Listen to you? How do I even know you’re still Hawke?” Fenris picked up his sword, walking away from Hawke.

“Fenris,” Hawke silently called after him, only to be greeted by the sound of Fenris’s retreat.

“This isn’t the place for a lovers’ quarrel,” Aveline advised as she gently touched Hawke’s shoulder in a comforting gesture. Hawke looked from Fenris’s retreating form to Aveline, hesitating before nodding in response.

~0~0~0~0~0~

Hawke finished placing his armor into its chest before heading into his estate. He adjusted his nobility clothing as he walked into the empty atrium. He noticed Bodahn and Sandal, as well as Orana, had retired for the evening. He hated the nights he was home by himself as it allowed him time to dwell on the loss of his family. He had fought for the Amell estate for more than a year, and now he had no family to enjoy it with. In truth, his life felt empty every time Fenris left his side.

Hawke stopped walking as soon as he noticed Fenris sitting on the bench by the fireplace. _The same place he sat before our first night together_ , Hawke thought as he recalled the event.

Fenris turned his head to look at Hawke. Hawke thought he noticed a look of disgust cross Fenris’s face before looking away. Little did he know, the disgust Fenris felt was with himself for treating Hawke so poorly.

“I … I didn’t think you wanted to see me after what happened,” Hawke commented as he kept his distance from Fenris.

“Part of me doesn’t.” Fenris stood, turning his back to Hawke. “But you helped me with Hadriana. And you’ve even supported me in my revenge against Danarius. I figured you deserved a chance to explain.”

“Explain?” Hawke felt a bitter taste in his mouth as he thought about Fenris’s treatment of the situation. “I _saved_ your life!”

“By resorting to blood magic,” Fenris retorted as he turned to face Hawke. “An idiotic act that could cost you your soul.” He moved closer to Hawke, leaving almost no room between them.

“I acted on instinct!”

“And what if something happened?”

“You want me to apologize for trying to protect someone I love?!” Hawke yelled loudly before looking away from Fenris. He never admitted it to anyone but Isabela, and she only knew because of a drinking challenge gone horribly wrong.

“Don’t say things you don’t mean.” Fenris’s statement hurt Hawke more than he thought it would.

“What?” Hawke actually grabbed Fenris’s shoulder, forcing him to face him. “You’re the one that walked away that night, not me.”

“You wouldn’t have used blood magic if you did care,” Fenris mumbled more to himself than to Hawke. Fenris’s eyes looked away from Hawke when he saw the pain on his face.

“Don’t you _dare_ tell me how I feel,” Hawke stated in a low, angered tone. “I’m sick of people holding me up on a damned pedestal,” he turned and kicked the log that laid beside the fireplace. “I am _flawed_! But I gave you everything I was. All my perfections,” he wanted to laugh at saying there was anything perfect about him. “All my imperfections.” Hawke inwardly screamed at himself, knowing this argument was bound to happen.

“You’re not the person I thought I knew,” Fenris spoke in a lighter tone than Hawke. “I’m sorry.” He pushed past him on his way the door.

“Fenris,” Hawke called after him, turning to watch him reach the door before pausing momentarily. _He's allowing me one last plea of forgiveness_. “I’ve lost everyone that I’ve ever cared about,” he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Everyone, except you. I was afraid.” His voice broke off suddenly as he didn’t know what else to say. He was a broken man without a family, without a real place to call his home.

Fenris lingered for a moment before pulling the door open and exiting the estate. Hawke felt his knees suddenly buckle, his body folding in on itself. Hawke placed his face in his hands. For the first time in years, he was no longer the idealized Champion of Kirkwall, but just a broken, abandoned man. And there was nothing but the empty rooms of his family's estate to offer him comfort.

~0~0~0~0~0~

Hawke spun his cup in circles as Isabela continued her argument with Anders. His eyes focused on the scar running down his forearm, a sad but constant reminder of his use of blood magic. He hated it, but at the same time loved using it to punish himself with guilt.

“It does too count!” Isabela challenged.

“Does not,” Anders countered.

“Hawke, tell him it counts.” Hawke looked up at the mention of his name to find his companions staring at him.

“What?” Hawke looked at each of them in confusion.

“Anders thinks Isabela hasn’t _officially_ outdrank every notorious pirate captain because one was killed before they finished their drinks,” Merrill commented.

“Well, he’s dead now, so I guess it counts.” Isabela smiled at Hawke’s response.

“Oh, come on,” Anders responded.

“The Champion has spoken,” Isabela replied with a victorious grin on her face.

Hawke allowed their banter to fall into the background as he noticed Aveline entering the Hanged Man. She smiled as she walked over to join them.

“Big girl!” Isabela greeted Aveline by placing her arm around her shoulders. “Come to join the riffraff?”

“Actually, I’m here to speak with Fenris,” Aveline replied with a small amount of annoyance in her voice.

Isabela, Anders and Merrill simultaneously turned to look at Hawke as soon as Aveline mentioned Fenris. Hawke felt their eyes staring at him out of concern. He looked from Aveline to the others.

“I haven’t seen him,” Hawke shrugged his shoulders as he replied casually.

“We don’t really speak of the mage-hating elf,” Anders replied.

“He wasn’t in his mansion, I figured he was-” Aveline stopped when Isabela blatantly hip checked her.

“He doesn’t drink at the Hanged Man. He thinks it’s beneath him, remember? All those horrible things he said.” Isabela made her voice sound as if she was hurt by his words.

“I thought he wasn’t here because he broke up with Hawke. Isn’t that why he hasn’t been traveling with us?” Merrill asked absent-minded. Anders shook his head in response.

“Kitten, what did we talk about?” Isabela inquired, an attempt to get Merrill to see the error in her utterance.

“Um, not to mention Fenris in front of Haw- Oh! Ir abelas, ma vhenan! (I'm sorry for your loss, my friend!)” Merrill quickly apologized as she turned to look at Hawke.

“Social queues, Merrill,” Anders sighed under his breath.

“We weren’t dating,” Hawke replied, causing the others to look at him. He shook his head before standing. “So you don’t have to worry about anything.” He made sure to put on his best smile before heading over to the bar.

Hawke ordered another drink, the bartender offering him it for free. _Anything for the Champion_ , he thought mockingly. He swirled the whiskey in his cup, uncertain if he was trying to amuse himself or contemplate whether to actually ingest more of the Hanged Man's alcohol. Hawke somehow managed to distract himself long enough that he barely registered hearing Varric’s voice traveling down the stairs from his room.

“Don’t worry so much, elf. I’m sure all will work out.” Varric noticed Hawke standing at the bar before turning to offer Fenris an alternative way out of the Hanged Man. “Actually, why don’t we leave out the back?” He asked quietly.

“Why?” Fenris retorted loudly.

Hawke felt his body stiffen at the sound of Fenris's voice. _I haven't seen him since that night_. It felt so long ago, his scar being a painful reminder of the time they had spent apart. He turned to look at Isabela, Anders, Aveline and Merrill, noticing them all looking between Hawke and Fenris. Hawke stood, no longer wanting to be the subject of constant observation. He waved goodbye to his companions as he made his way to the door.

Aveline shook her head, leaving the other three to walk over to Fenris. “I have information for you.”

“What is it now?” Fenris slowly let his view leave Hawke’s retreating form as he looked at Aveline.

“It’s about Varania,” Aveline stated, crossing her arms.

Fenris immediately pulled his attention from Hawke and devoted it to Aveline at the mention of Varania’s name.

~0~0~0~0~0~

Hawke flipped through the pages of his book as Isabela paced back and forth in front of him. He made sure to make a small noise of approval every now and again to reassure Isabela that he was listening.

“So you agree?” Isabela asked.

“Yes, of course,” Hawke answered, not having heard her previous question.

“So you want to have a baby with me?”

Hawke nearly dropped his book. “What?”

“I knew you weren’t paying attention,” Isabela sat next to him in defeat. “What are you looking at?”

“Nothing,” Hawke replied as he shut the book in his hands.

“‘The Book of Shartan’?” Isabela read the title off the spine of the book. “Isn’t that the book you gave to-” Isabela looked from the book to Hawke. “Oh.”

“He left it here.” Hawke set the book next to them on the bench. “I was teaching him how to read.”

“Alright. Knock it off.” Isabela took the book, walking over to the fireplace.

“Isabela! Don’t.” Hawke commanded, jumping up from the bench, following her to grab the book from her grasp before she threw it into the fire.

“It is painful watching you mope around! You’re Alexander Hawke, for crying out loud. You’re the charmingly funny protector of Kirkwall. Start acting like it again.”

“I’m sorry I haven’t been performing for you,” Hawke replied as he walked into the library to set the book back on the shelf.

“Is that your problem? You need to _perform_?” Isabela’s question held more of a sexual innuendo that normally.

“Very funny,” Hawke said as he turned to face her.

“I’m being serious, big boy.” Isabela placed her hands on her hips. “For the greater good of Kirkwall, I will take the big one for the team,” she smiled at her success at inserting another sexual innuendo into their conversation.

“You want me to cheat on Fenris?” Hawke asked.

“You’re not in a relationship, sweetheart.” Isabela watched Hawke’s face for a sign of understanding. “You’re the only one who doesn’t see it that way. In the long run, it’s easier to just keep your heart from bleeding all over the place by cutting love out of it.”

“You want me to just go around having sex with half of Kirkwall?” Hawke didn’t want to have this conversation. Casual sex never bothered him in Lothering nor in his first year in Kirkwall, but since he met Fenris there wasn’t much point to it. “I know it’s hard to believe, Isabela,” he started, thinking that maybe she had a point. “But I can’t just stop caring about someone.”

“You really love him, don’t you?” Isabela’s voice softened as she observed Hawke.

“Yeah, I guess I do,” Hawke replied after a few moments. “I have this as a constant reminder,” he moved his arm into viewing, his sleeve rolled up high enough to show his scar.

“Oh Maker, give me strength,” Isabela sighed. “You used blood magic to save someone you loved. We do foolish things when we get scared. Think about it, Hawke. What would you be doing if Fenris had died? Be here mourning him like everyone else?”

Hawke hesitantly looked away and shook his head. “I think we both know that’s not true. I would have given up completely then.”

Isabela looked at Hawke for a few moments as she thought about what he implied. Her eyes widened as she realized what he meant. The sound of her hand smacking across Hawke’s face broke the small silence as it echoed throughout the house.

“How dare you,” Isabela stated, her voice shaking slightly. Hawke didn’t look at her, keeping his face pointed the way her slap forced it, but from her voice he could hear the tears in her eyes. “Your family would be ashamed of you.”

“Don’t you think I know they are?” Hawke finally looked at Isabela. “I’ve known that for a long time.”

“They would be ashamed of you for throwing your life away!” Isabela stated loudly. “You’re Hawke. Freedom fighter for mage and Templar alike,” she took a deep breath. “And more importantly, my friend. So don’t you ever think about doing something like that again,” Hawke stared at Isabela at her confession of him being her friend. “Or I’ll kick your arse all over the Fade.” He slightly smiled at her playful threat.

Isabela stepped forward, leaning onto the tip of her toes as she gently kissed Hawke’s cheek. She gently touched her fingertips to his jawline, gingerly tapping his face with her hand. As Isabela turned toward the atrium, Hawke began to walk with her, an attempt to escort her the short distance. She waved her hand in the air to dismiss him.

“I know the way, sweetheart.” Hawke smiled at her nickname for him.

Hawke turned to pick one of the books from the shelf to take to bed. He looked at the rows of books, realizing that a majority of them were meant for Fenris. He sat in his chair, allowing his limbs to sprawl out around him as he let his body go limp. He though about the inevitable war Kirkwall was about to be thrown into, trying to think of anything but Fenris. Looking towards the ceiling he rested his neck on the chair’s back, closing his eyes in the process. There were several moments of silence when Isabela’s voice broke him from his thoughts.

“Fenris,” Isabela’s surprised voice caused Hawke to drop the book in his hand.

Hawke leaned forward in his chair, staring through the doorway into the atrium.

“Isabela,” Fenris’s voice replied.

The only reply Hawke heard was the sound of his door opening and shutting. Though Fenris never wore shoes, he could still hear the sound of his feet against the tiles. He finally came into Hawke’s view as he paused by the fire.

Hawke watched Fenris for several moments, watching his movements as he warmed his hands by the fire. He finally gained the strength to stand up out of the chair, pausing in the library’s doorway.

“I came to … To apologize,” Fenris slowly turned to face Hawke. “I never should have said the things I did about you.”

“Is this pity?” Hawke couldn’t keep himself from asking as the question gnawed at the back of his mind.

“I had decided to come see you before knowing _that_ ,” Fenris responded, his voice hesitant to note Hawke’s previously admitted thoughts of suicide. He had motioned towards the door, referring to Isabela. “Why didn’t you tell _me_ you felt that way?” Fenris sounded wounded at not knowing Hawke’s depression.

“When was I supposed to tell you? Before or after you called me a blood mage?” Hawke asked bitterly, causing Fenris to look away in shame. “I’m sorry,” He winced as he inwardly chided himself for bringing up magic.

“No, I deserve that. And much more for what I said,” Fenris shifted his weight as he spoke. “I was … afraid as well,” he admitted.

“Afraid?” Hawke asked in surprise.

“I was afraid I might lose you to the temptation of blood magic. Magic has tainted every part of my life,” Fenris’s voice softened as he spoke about the negative effect magic has had on his life. “The only good magic in my life has come from you. It frightened me to think that the man I know might be lost to the allure of blood magic. To think that a demon might take you away from me … It was unbearable. And I took out my anger on you, even though you had saved my life. For _that_ , I am sorry.”

Hawke wanted to reach out to Fenris, but he was afraid he would pull away. He felt his chest tighten at the thought that Fenris might forgive him but not care for him anymore. A silence fell throughout the estate before he finally gained the courage to speak.

“I had lost everyone, Fenris. I never would have used it. But I panicked. I’m sorry I ever did it, but it happened. I can’t undo that,” Hawke stated. He watched Fenris’s face for any sign of anger before continuing. “I would never take it back though. I saved you, and I am grateful for that. I just hope you know that I would never use magic for evil,” his voice died off, feeling as if he was making another excuse, before looking away from Fenris.

“Hawke,” Fenris said his name tenderly. “I know that, now more than ever. It has taken me a while to come to the conclusion that the monsters who use magic aren’t monsters because of the magic.” Hawke looked at him again. “People can be monsters without magic, but suffering at the hands of a magistrate hasn’t helped my viewpoint,” he admitted. “I have, however, felt peace and happiness in the hands of a mage.” Fenris looked at Hawke, keeping eye contact with him. “I have never experienced joy as I have with you.”

Fenris stopped himself, his voice falling into silence.

Hawke began to panic as he thought Fenris was about to say the inevitable. _He’s going to leave. He’s leaving me here alone_ , his mind began to race ahead of the situation, preparing for the worst.

“Fenris,” Hawke’s voice sounded weak against the crackle of the fire. He noticed Fenris look at him once more. “Please,” he began. “Don’t leave Kirkwall. I couldn’t bear it. Not you.” His walls were breaking down. The walls he carefully placed around him to prevent himself from exposing his emotions. Those damned walls he masked in charm and sarcasm to make people think he was never bothered. “I’d rather you stay and be my friend than leave. I won’t let our past get in the way. Please,” Hawke began to beg and knew he sounded pitiful.

“Hawke,” Fenris’s voice cut through the room and caused Hawke to stop his drabble. “I was never going to leave-” he cut himself off as he thought about his wording. “I was never going to leave you again,” sighing loudly before continuing, “Hawke, I love you. I know I was a harsh idiot before, and I can’t take back what I said but-”

“Say that again,” Hawke’s voice cut Fenris’s apology short.

“I was a harsh idiot and-”

“No. The part where you said you loved me.” Hawke was pleading with Fenris to repeat his admission. He needed to hear it one more time to convince himself it wasn’t a dream.

“I love you, Alexander Hawke,” Fenris looked sheepily at Hawke as he repeated his admission.

Hawke needed nothing more than that statement to take the last few strides between him and Fenris. He grabbed him in earnest, closing the gap between them as he pressed his lips to Fenris’s. To his delight, Fenris heartedly responded as his hands grabbed Hawke's back to easily mesh their bodies tightly together. Hawke held Fenris’s face close to his as they repeatedly exchanged kisses. There was nothing graceful about them, only a need to be in each other’s arms.  _To feel one another._

Hawke could barely remember how they ended up in his bedroom, but he quickly forgot about the facts as Fenris pulled his shirt open. Fenris allowed Hawke's shirt a few moments to fall to the floor before pushing Hawke against the wall with a good amount of force. Hawke was certain he heard a faint apology muttered from Fenris before their bodies were back together. He sighed in contentment as Fenris's fingers ran through strands of his beard before moving to rest at the nape of his neck. A small moan escaped his throat as Fenris's fingers tightened in a needing manner. It was Fenris's other hand that caused Hawke unwanted frustration. It remained stationed against his hip to secure his body hard against the wall.

“Fenris,” Hawke called his name in a moan that crept from his throat. His hands grabbed at Fenris’s armor, pulling at the straps on his sides in an attempt to remove the obstacle between them.

Without saying a word, Fenris pulled Hawke from the wall before shoving him backwards onto the bed. He admitted to himself that Fenris was being more aggressive than normal, but he didn’t mind. As long as he had Fenris with him, Hawke was content to let him push and shove.

Hawke used his elbows to move back, stretching his body the length of the bed. At some point when he wasn’t paying attention, Fenris had discarded his armor, standing at the foot of the bed in just his pants.

Fenris crawled over the length of Hawke’s body, halting to linger his mouth above his throat. Fenris kissed his Adam’s apple, raking his teeth gently against his skin before closing his lips to suck. Hawke instantly grabbed Fenris’s arms in an attempt to hold on to something as a bolt of pleasure shot through his body in response. He needed to ground his body as pleasure continued to move through him. There was something strange happening to him, and he was certain the cause was Fenris.

Fenris gently moved down Hawke’s body, slowly trailing his way to his abdomen. He grazed his teeth across Hawke’s nipple, a small spasm causing his body to twitch and Fenris to chuckle. As he continued to drive him wild with pleasure, Hawke prayed that Fenris wouldn't leave as he released his hold on his arms. Fenris gently kissed his navel in response, following the small trail of dark hair that disappeared beneath Hawke’s pants. Fenris quickly pulled himself away from Hawke's body to discard the pants on the floor behind him.

Hawke felt a twinge of nervousness run through his body as a result of the action. It wasn’t like this was his first time with a man nor his first time with Fenris, but it was his first time being in a vulnerable position during sex. He was always in control, being the dominant one during sex. This time, he was—literally—laid bare for someone else to see. There was no snarky comment he could hide behind as he watched Fenris’s eyes scan over his body.

Fenris suddenly moved back down, pushing Hawke’s legs slightly apart. He felt a panic in his gut, almost certain that Fenris might enter him without any preparation. Before Hawke could utter his concern, Fenris had settled his torso in between his thighs.

_What is he doing?_ Hawke thought briefly.

Fenris moved one of his arms to rest under the back of Hawke’s knee, his hand holding onto the top of his thigh. With his leg draped over Fenris’s shoulder and his face dangerously close to his cock, it dawned on him what was happening.

Everything flew out of Hawke’s mind the moment he felt Fenris’s mouth envelope him. He threw his head back in pleasure, opening his mouth in a silent coo of approval. He could only focus on the pleasure Fenris’s mouth was giving him, varying amounts of sucking pressure every other moment driving him insane.

“Oh, Maker. Fenris,” Hawke called out as his hands shot up to tightly grasp the pillow under his head.

Hawke’s hips involuntarily bucked up as Fenris began to move his head up and down. Not that he would admit it, but a small whimpering noise escaped from Hawke’s throat when Fenris’s other hand held his hip firmly against the bed to prevent any future movement. He inwardly swore when he realized that Fenris was going to torture him with slow, gentle caresses. _A punishment_ , he thought bitterly.

Hawke was unable to keep himself from panting as his nerves began to ignite, a warmth forming in the pit of his stomach. He felt as if his body was filled with a liquid fire that moved like waves throughout him. Fenris knew every move and trick to make Hawke moan and beg, and it began to drive Hawke crazy.

As Hawke’s breathing quickened, he reached his hand down to run his fingers through Fenris’s hair. He gently brush a few strands, twirling a small piece of it between his fingers as the pit of his stomach began to tighten. He felt the heat warming his core and he knew he was going to climax soon.

“Fenris,” Hawke called out to him. Fenris made a small responsive sound from the middle of his throat that resonated up through Hawke’s body.

Hawke looked down for the first time at Fenris, and he wasn’t able to keep himself under control any longer. Fenris was looking up at him, his eyes watching him as he moved his head rhythmically up and down Hawke’s cock. His eyes held a great amount of possession as he stared into Hawke’s.

_If Fenris wanted to make a statement about owning me, he couldn’t have been more direct_ , Hawke thought before he pushed his head back into the pillow. He was losing control over his body, and he knew he couldn’t keep from climaxing for much longer.

When his orgasm hit, everything happened faster than he could anticipate.

Hawke’s breathing hitched as he made a loud, strangled noise. His spine unnaturally arched as he threw his head back even harder into the pillow, his hips pushing up into the warmth of Fenris’s mouth. He didn’t care about making noise as he yelled Fenris’s name, having his first orgasm in months rake through his body and nearly wipe his mind clear.

_Maker, I hope Bodahn and Sandal didn’t hear me. Or Orana. She’d come looking_ , Hawke thought as his breathing began to return to normal, his chest rising and falling quickly. His hands ran over his face in an attempt to physically wipe the daze clouding his mind. He placed his arm over his eyes to hide as he recollected himself entirely.

Hawke panted heavily, his limbs completely limp in the aftermath. He felt his leg lazily slip off of Fenris’s shoulder as Fenris sat up. He peered from under his arm, able to see a fractured view of Fenris sitting on the end of the bed with his back facing him. After a few moment passed, he regained the strength to sit up, reaching out for Fenris’s shoulder.

“Master?” a faint yet ominous female voice interrupted the moment. Hawke couldn’t place where it was coming from, but Fenris and his surroundings suddenly began to fade and melt into darkness.

Hawke tried to reach out for Fenris, but he was gone. His attempt to call out Fenris’s name was unsuccessful as his voice seemed to disappear completely.

“Master?” soft hands gently shook Hawke’s shoulders, waking him from his dream. As he opened his eyes, he was greeted by the sight of a doe-eyed Orana. “You fell asleep in the chair again, Master.”

Hawke looked around him and noticed that he was still in his library, in the same chair he was sitting in when Isabela left. _It was all a dream_ , he thought with great disappointment.

“Thank you, Orana.” Hawke didn’t let his bitterness show in his voice. Orana meant well, and she didn’t know she was waking him from his sex dream with Fenris. He was actually somewhat worried that he made noises during his dream, alerting Orana that he wasn’t in bed as he should be.

Orana curtseyed before exiting the library. Lost in thought, he rubbed his hands over his face in an attempt to brush the faint pleasure he still felt from the dream. He allowed his limbs to go limp as he relaxed into his chair once more, thanking the Maker that he didn't have a hard-on.

As time passed, Hawke continued to stare into the fire. He wished he could go back to Lothering; back to a time when his only concern was telling his parents he was gay.

_Back to a time when I didn’t care about love_ , Hawke thought before he let his head hang back to look up at the ceiling. He allowed his head to lull to the side as he looked down at his forearm, observing the scar that ran along his skin. _There is no going back … I should have cut the other way_. He felt pathetic as suicidal thoughts crept into his mind once more.

Hawke thought about his last attempt. _How people called it a stunt._ He didn’t need judgment or contempt from others. He wanted to end it, and he couldn’t. There was no need for others to reprimand him.

Hawke recalled the different reactions. _‘You over-reacted.’ ‘You’re being a child.’ ‘After that stunt you pulled.’_ Suddenly, he recalled Isabela’s reaction to his mention of wishing suicide. She confessed to being hurt by his want to harm himself, and it began to put it all together for him.

_If I can't live for myself … have to live for them …_  Hawke thought about his friends; about Carver and Gamlen. He stood from his chair, lazily walking out the door and towards the steps. He observed the different trinkets and markings all his companions left throughout his home, and it took some of his loneliness away. He felt a faint warmth spread through him as he thought about the lives that touched his own. He knew he was the frame that held his friends together, and that was enough to make him smile. _I had something to live for all along._

~0~0~0~0~0~

It had been months since Hawke last saw Carver. Hawke recalled their reunion when traveling to confront the Carta for attempting to assassinate them both. _It was bittersweet to say the least_ , he thought as he recalled the small brotherly moments they shared before the Wardens called Carver back to them.

“Brother,” Carver greeted Hawke as he entered the Hanged Man.

“Carver,” Hawke nodded back as his brother sat down across from him.

The hours seemed to fly by quickly as they chatted and reminisced about their old lives in Lothering. Hawke couldn’t remember the last time they laughed together in such an amicable way.

“Do you remember that girl who worked for Barlin? What was her name?” Carver thought out loud, more to himself than Hawke.

“Abigail. You should remember, you dated her,” Hawke replied as he set his cup down on the table.

“All she was interested in was you,” Carver retorted, playfully.

“Hey, I was the best wing man,” Hawke smiled as he replied.

“You were only the best because you had no interest in women swooning over you.” Carver suddenly cut himself off, looking from his drink to his brother. “Speaking of which, how is the elf?”

Carver and Hawke never talked about Hawke’s sexuality. It was a subject that he was always reluctant to discuss, especially with his brother. Carver never seemed to mind the fact that he had relationships with men, merely commenting that Hawke’s attachment to someone could create problems for them. And part of Hawke agreed with Carver.  He saw people as a distraction, at best. He made sure he never exposed his magic in front of someone, fearing that they would alert the Templars.

But for Hawke, Fenris was different. Fenris outwardly opposed magic, but he always held Hawke in a high regard. _Until recently_. Hawke knew he had fallen for Fenris, and there was no safety net to meet him on the way down. For him, it seemed easier to pretend indifference. _Numbing the pain for a while will only make it worse when you finally feel it_ , he thought when he remembered the look of disgust Fenris had given him.

“We’re not … together,” Hawke hesitantly answered, looking over at the bartender to motion for more alcohol.

“Am I going to have to beat some sense into him?” Carver smiled as he made jest at the situation. “What did the blaggard do?” He asked when he noticed his brother didn’t smile at his joke of a threat.

“It was my fault,” Hawke responded as he watched the bartender pour his alcohol.

“I doubt that. You’re Alexander Hawke. Friend to all.”

Hawke watched Carver take a drink from his cup before looking down at his own. He rather hoped he never had to admit to his error in judgement out loud, especially admitting it to Carver. He took a deep breath before summoning the courage he needed to confess to his brother.

“I used blood magic,” Hawke uttered the confession quickly before taking a giant swig from his cup.

Carver almost spit out his alcohol in response. “Did you just say _blood_ magic?” Carver stammered some as he choked a little, looking at Hawke with concern.

“Unfortunately,” Hawke placed his cup on the table, looking Carver in the eye.

“Why?” Hawke was uncertain if Carver now sounded disappointed or concerned.

“I thought Fenris was going to die. I made a reckless decision that ultimately saved his life but cost me our relationship.” Hawke leaned back in his chair, staring up at the ceiling. “I was sick of losing my loved ones. You finally can say you always knew I’d mess up.”

“Brother,” Carver began, causing Hawke to shake his head in response.

“Please don’t, Carver. I’ve heard it from everyone. I’d rather not hear it. Not from you,” Hawke looked back at Carver.

“Oh, shut up.” Carver finally mustered the courage to confront his brother. “Stop acting like you know I’m going to lecture you. I’m not.” He slammed his fist on the table as he continued, “You’re Alexander Hawke. You would never do something horrible towards another person, let alone the innocent. You’ve always fought for the safety of Kirkwall, and you always will.”

“I’m sick of everyone holding me up to an ideal. I’m not perfect.”

“Well, you’re right. But to me, you’re not Alexander Hawke.” Hawke looked up at Carver, confused by his statement. “You’re not the Champion of Kirkwall either. You’re just my brother. Just Alex.” He crossed his arms as he leaned back in his chair. “And if you think I’d ever blame you for what’s happened in our past, think again. I’m just as much at fault as anyone else is for all that’s happened,” he paused to watch his words sink in. “You are a mage, but more importantly … you’re a good man. And if Fenris can’t understand that, then he doesn’t deserve to be with you.”

Hawke smiled, comforted by Carver’s words. He never expected Carver to say something as enlightened or caring, least of all to him.

“Another round?” Hawke asked as he arched his eyebrow.

“Another round, brother,” Carver replied as he waved over the bartender.


	2. Forgetting the Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AUTHOR'S NOTE:
> 
> 1\. There is discussion of rape/non-consensual sexual acts in this chapter.
> 
> 2\. There are M/M sexual acts in this chapter as well. So once again, please don't read if it offends you :)

“You talk to him, Hawke. I’ve had my fill for today,” Aveline stated as she walked towards the door of Fenris’s mansion.

Hawke turned to watch Aveline exit. He had rather hoped Aveline would stay, having called him to assist her with Fenris. _I don’t like them trying to get the two of us alone together_ , Hawke thought as he remembered the several different occasions his companions devised to make Fenris and Hawke spend “quality time” together.

First, it was Isabela trying to trick Hawke into meeting her for a quest in the Docks, then becoming too intoxicated to show up. Then, it was Anders asking Hawke to talk in Dark Town, only to be indisposed by Justice. Both times they conveniently asked Fenris to meet them there as well, leaving the two men to suffer an awkward interaction with one another before parting. Then Merrill attempted to devise a plan, but accidentally confessed to Hawke about what she was up to, panicking and apologizing for trying to meddle.

It was Varric’s suggestion of having a fling with a one-legged bar wench that was the most inventive, by far. He recalled the conversation he had earlier with Varric.

“In all seriousness, Hawke. Maybe you should look into Jethann’s offer at the Blooming Rose,” Varric said as he attempted to help his friend.

“I’d rather everyone stop trying to fix me,” Hawke stated as he stood up. “I didn’t sleep with Fenris because of sex. Despite popular belief, we both have feelings.”

“For the greater good of your friends, Hawke, please just fix your relationship with Fenris. The elf is broodier than usual, and you no longer make witty one liners during battle.”

“I’m so happy you all care about me so much,” Hawke stated as he began to walk out of the Hanged Man.

“This is our way of showing it!” Varric called after Hawke’s retreating form. Hawke’s only response was to wave his hand in a gesture of thanks.

“Venhedis! Fasta vass!” Fenris cursed loudly, bringing Hawke back to the present.

“Maybe I can help, Fenris,” Hawke tried to ease his anger.

“It’s my sister,” Fenris sighed loudly. “I didn’t tell you, but I followed up on Hadriana’s information. Everything she said was true.” Fenris began to pace as he confessed his past actions to Hawke. “I had to keep it quiet, but I eventually contacted Varania and sent her coin enough to come meet me. And now she’s here.”

“She was in Qarinus after all?”

“My sister left Magister Ahriman’s service, and I found her in Minrathous. That made things more difficult.” Fenris took a deep breath before continuing. “But according to the men I paid, it’s just as Hadriana said: she’s not a slave. She’s a tailor, in fact. Getting a letter to her was difficult, and she didn’t believe me at first … but she’s finally come.”

“You’re worried Danarius knows?” Hawke guessed the reason Fenris was telling him all this.

“The more it seems he doesn’t know, the more certain I become he does!” Fenris was becoming increasingly angry about the entire situation. “Come with me, Hawke. I need you there when I meet her,” Fenris’s voice was pleading for Hawke to stand by him.

“Where is she?” Part of Hawke wanted to refuse him, to make Fenris pay for ignoring him in the past weeks. But after it all, Hawke couldn’t deny him.

“If we go to the Hanged Man during the day, she’ll be there. For the next week, at least.” Fenris suddenly looked away from Hawke, a pained expression covering his features. “It would mean a lot to me. That’s all I ask.”

Hawke wanted to reject Fenris. He wanted to cause him some form of hurt, but Hawke realized that he still cared about him enough to accept the request. Varric and Anders were the only two conversing in their party as they headed from Hawke's estate to the Hanged Man. Hawke made sure to drown out their voices, looking over at Fenris every now and again as they drew closer to the tavern. He could tell Fenris was nervous, yet Hawke found himself unable to offer any words of comfort.

Hawke was relieved when they finally reached the Hanged Man, giving a stern look to both Anders and Varric. Both men slowly silenced themselves, respecting Hawke's silent request to take this seriously. Hawke observed the patrons slowly before his eyes landed on an red-auburn haired elf sitting by herself. Hawke gently touched Fenris's arm for the first time in months to get his attention. When Fenris looked at Hawke, he followed Hawke's gesture to the young elf. Fenris hesitated at first, looking at Hawke for some form of approval. Hawke nodded his head, following Fenris over to the table.

“It really is you,” the female elf stated as she stood from her table once they approached.

“Varania? I … I remember you. We played in our master’s courtyard while Mother worked. You called me…” For the first time in years, Hawke could hear happiness in Fenris's voice.

“Leto. That’s your name,” Varania’s voice sounded heavy, as if there was something gnawing at her.

“What’s wrong? Why are you so…?”

“Fenris, we have to get out of here!” Hawke stated as soon as he realized what was happening. _Fenris was right. It’s a trap!_

“Ah, my little Fenris,” a voice called as the man descended the stairs near them. “Predictable as always.”

Fenris looked up the stairs to see the man speaking. Fenris’s expression moved from confusion to fear. His eyes widened as he realized who it was.

“I’m sorry it came to this, Leto.” Varania stated, regret in her voice.

“You led him here,” Fenris stated in anger.

“Now, now, Fenris. Don’t blame your sister. She did what any good Imperial citizen should.” Varania looked away from Fenris as Danarius spoke.

“I never wanted these filthy markings, Danarius! But I won’t let you kill me to get them.”

Danarius laughed before stating, “Oh, how little you know, my pet.” Danarius turned to look at Hawke, observing him closely. “And this is your new master, then? The Champion of Kirkwall? Impressive.”

Hawke glared at Danarius. Every part of the man enraged Hawke. There was something in the way he looked at and spoke to Fenris that made Hawke’s stomach churn. Hawke wasn’t sure he even wanted to know what unspeakable things Danarius had done to Fenris in the past.

“Fenris doesn’t _belong_ to anyone,” Hawke stated in an attempt to sound unaffected.

“Do I detect a not of jealousy? It’s not surprising. The lad is rather _skilled_ , isn’t he?” The way Danarius emphasized skilled implied an entirely different meaning.

“Shut your mouth, Danarius!” Fenris snapped loudly, his markings beginning to glow blue.

Hawke looked at Fenris, watching as his fear turned to anger and hate. It was all an attempt to stop Danarius from discussing their past in front of Hawke. Hawke felt as if he understood what had happened, and loved Fenris enough to leave it be.

“The word is ‘master,’” Danarius sighed angrily before initiating an attack.

Hawke immediately backed away from the soldiers and Danarius, drawing his staff to fight. Fenris fiercely fought against the soldiers, taking them out one by one until only Danarius was left. Hawke cast a barrier around Fenris in an attempt to protect him from any harm, concerned that Danarius may have a trick up his sleeve. Eventually Danarius weakened, allowing Hawke an opportunity to dispell his barriers before draining him of energy.

Everyone ceased fighting once Danarius fell to his knees. Hawke watched Fenris sheath his sword before marching over to Danarius. Fenris kept his head down as he made a b-line for the winded Danarius.

“ _You_ are no longer my master,” Fenris stated as he tightened his grip around Danarius’s throat. With great ease, Danarius’s wind pipe crushed in Fenris’s grip, causing the magister’s limbs to twitch before ceasing. Fenris tossed his body to the side with no remorse.

Fenris turned to look at Varania, his anger at Danarius turning against his sister. “I had no choice, Leto.”

“Stop calling me that,” Fenris stated in anger as he loomed over Varania.

“He was going to make me his apprentice. I would have been a magister,” Varania attempted to plead with Fenris for his mercy.

“You sold out your brother to become a magister?” The bitterness in Fenris’s voice was evident.

“Your sister’s a mage? You bloody hypocrite. You really are just jealous!” Anders interjected.

Hawke turned to look at Anders, prepared to defend Fenris when Varania suddenly continued talking.

“You have no idea what we went through. What I’ve had to do since Mother died.” Varania’s voice held a certain amount of disgust for her past actions. There was no telling what she had to do in the past that caused her such distaste. “This was my only chance.”

“And now you have no chance at all,” Fenris stated as he moved closer to Varania, his skin glowing a pale blue.

“Please…Don’t do this.” Varania placed her hands up, an attempted at making a barrier between herself and Fenris. Varania looked to Hawke with hopeful eyes before begging, “Please tell him to stop!”

“Wait! Don’t kill her,” Hawke attempted sway Fenris from sororicide by pleading with him.

“Why not? She was ready to see me killed.” Fenris replied bitterly as he turned to look at Hawke. “What is she to me other than just one more tool of the magisters?”

“This is your family, Fenris.” Hawke replied, thinking of his own loss in familial ties. _You can’t change family_ , Hawke thought about the times he often wished Carver would have been a girl like Bethany, in hopes that he wouldn’t have a rebellious brother.

“Elf…Fenris. Don’t. It won’t help. Trust me,” Varric’s voice wavered some, evidence of his remembrance of Bartrand.

“Get out,” Fenris uttered after a few moments of silence. Varania hesitated before she ran past Fenris. Hawke moved aside in order to allow Varania enough room to pass. Hawke was surprised when Varania stopped running, pausing before she turned back to face them.

“You said you didn’t ask for this, but that’s not true,” Varania stated. “You _wanted_ it. You _competed_ for it.” Fenris kept his back turned to Varania, not wanting to face his sister. “When you won you used the boon to have Mother and I freed.”

“Why _are_ you telling me this?” Fenris asked, finally turning to face her. His voice cracked slightly as the weight of being told that he willingly allowed the lyrium to be branded on him began to hit him.

“Freedom was no boon. I look on you now and I think you received the better end of the bargain.” Varania hesitated before turning and leaving the Hanged Man for good.

“I thought discovering my past would bring a sense of belonging, but I was wrong.” Fenris turned to look at Hawke. “Magic has tainted that, too. There is nothing for me to reclaim. I am alone.”

“I’m here, Fenris.” Hawke was unable to stop himself from uttering those words. Hawke internally winced as he realized that Varric and Anders were still hanging about. It was bad enough that Hawke uttered the words to Fenris without having spoken them in front of his companions. _They’ll definitely never let me hear the end of this_ , Hawke thought as he recalled all the times they attempted to reconcile him and Fenris.

Instead of a glare, Fenris looked at Hawke with hopeful eyes. His eyebrows softened gently as he looked at Hawke. Hawke was sure he saw a small smile flash briefly across Fenris’s features before he turned his back towards him.

“You heard what Varania said. I wanted these. I fought for them. I feel unclean, like this magic is not only etched into my skin, but has also stained my soul.” Fenris sounded disgusted by his own words.

 _He’s been running from this for so long_ , Hawke thought as he longed to reach out for Fenris. He wanted to comfort him. Tell him there was still hope for happiness. Hawke thought that if he told Fenris there was a chance at happiness, Hawke would have a chance as well.

“Let’s go. I need to get out of here.” Fenris’s words sounded hollow once more. He quickly moved past Hawke to exit the Hanged Man.

Hawke watched Fenris leave, ignoring the eyes he felt lingering on him.

“You know, Hawke,” Varric began. “I would say now was the correct time to chase after him.”

“Varric,” Hawke spoke with a warning in his voice. He was tired of people shoving him to chase Fenris.

“Even a brooding elf needs comfort now and again. Plus,” Varric picked up one of the many chairs strewed about the tavern as he spoke. “I’d say he’d be willing to understand your desperation a little bit now.”

Hawke looked from Varric back to the door Fenris exited moments ago. Taking a deep breath, Hawke decided that it was time to face his fears and talk with Fenris once and for all as he headed for the door.

~0~0~0~0~0~

Hawke climbed the stairs of the mansion, heading for the room he knew Fenris would be in. In all the years he knew Fenris, he never thought to move to another room. Fenris once joked that he didn’t desire to move into a trap set by Danarius.

Hawke was surprised when he crossed paths with Isabela. She smiled when she came across him, winking in an attempt to encourage Hawke.

“I’m rooting for you,” Isabela whispered as she moved down the stairs. Hawke smiled in response as he entered Fenris’s room.

Hawke cautiously moved further into the room, watching Fenris for any signs of uneasiness. He moved to sit across from him, hearing no disapproval in response to his presence.

“They don’t understand,” Fenris commented as he shifted in his seat, referring to Isabela and the rest of Hawke’s companions. “Yes, I am free. Danarius is dead. Yet… it doesn’t feel like it should.”

“You thought killing him would solve everything, but it doesn’t,” Hawke replied as he thought about killing Quentin. The pleasure he felt from killing the madman couldn’t measure in compare to the amount of grief he suffered when losing his mother.

“I suppose not,” Fenris replied, looking at Hawke with sympathetic eyes. Hawke could tell that Fenris knew what he was talking about. “I thought if I didn’t need to run and fight to stay alive, I would finally be able to live as a free man does. But how is that? My sister is gone, and I have nothing—not even an enemy.”

“Maybe that just means there’s nothing holding you back,” Hawke replied. He felt as if he needed to hear Fenris’s intentions for starting a conversation. They hadn’t spoken in depth since Hawke used blood magic, and he missed their chatter, no matter how small. Hawke feared that they would never be able to move past the awkwardness from their “break up.”

“Hmm. An interesting thought. It’s just…difficult to overlook the stain that magic has left on my life. If I seem bitter, it’s not without cause.” Hawke could tell Fenris felt uncomfortable as they broached the topic of magic. They both knew the wound that conversation could open, and they were desperate to avoid unnecessary hurt. “Perhaps it is time to move forward. I just don’t know where that leads. Do you?” Fenris sounded sincere, but part of Hawke was bothered by the way he placed blamed on magic.

“You’re still blaming magic for everything?” Hawke was unable to stop himself from asking the question.

“Think about it, Hawke. Look at what happened to your mother,” Fenris looked away from Hawke, saddened that he had to bring the event into their conversation to make his point. “Look at the life you’ve had to lead. Is there anyone’s whose life has been touched by magic that actually benefits?”

“Blaming magic isn’t the answer.” Hawke felt himself losing the never-ending battle with Fenris’s hate for magic. He thought that perhaps Fenris had overcome his hatred, only to be reminded ever too quickly that magic continued to be the lingering obstacle between them.

“For every mage such as you, Hawke, there are a dozen more too weak to handle their power. Them I fear. As should you…as should anyone. But what’s important now is moving forward. I only wish I knew were that lead.” Fenris didn’t want the conversation to turn into an argument. Fenris was attempting to make amends for his past actions, and Hawke understood that.

“Wherever it leads, I hope it means we’ll stay together.” Hawke was honest, with himself and Fenris, for the first time in a long while.

“That is my hope, as well.” Fenris smiled slightly as he spoke. “We have never discussed what happened between us three years ago.”

“We’ve never discussed a lot of things, Fenris,” Hawke uttered slowly, unable to stop himself from admitting his bitterness at miscommunication. He realized he may have sounded confrontational, and wished he had reworded his statement. It hurt, though, to think of how Fenris abandoned him twice. “You didn’t want to talk about it,” Hawke continued in an attempt to prevent an argument from starting.

“I felt like a fool. I thought it better if you hated me—I deserved no less. But it isn’t better. That night … I remember your touch as if it were yesterday.” Fenris paused, affectionately looking at Hawke for the first time in months. “I should have asked your forgiveness long ago. For more than just _that_ night…For reacting the way I did when you saved me.” Fenris stood, closing the already small gap between him and Hawke.

Hawke felt his pulse quicken in anticipation. _Please say you still feel something for me_ , Hawke thought in desperation.

“I hope you can forgive me now,” Fenris stated. The sincerity in Fenris’s voice caused Hawke to inwardly smile.

Hawke paused as he thought about the night Fenris had left. Hawke was used to parting from his partner once sexual release was achieved. But with Fenris, Hawke felt as if there was a hollowed out wound in his chest when he was left alone in his room. It was more than just sexual attraction, and that scared Hawke.

“I _need_ to understand why you left, Fenris.” Hawke wanted to make sure his trust was not misplaced as he did once. His mind drifted to thoughts of Catherine, his first and only girlfriend.  _Girlfriend … If that's what you can call her._ Hawke recalled his last interaction with Catherine, and it made his stomach lurch to recall it.  _Fenris is nothing like Catherine_ , Hawke thought before shoving all memories of her to the back of his mind.

“I thought about the answer a thousand times.” Fenris looked away, avoiding eye contact with Hawke. “The pain, the memories it brought up…it was too much. I was a coward. If I could go back, I would stay. Tell you how I felt.”

“What would you have said?” Hawke inquired, desperate to know the truth.

Fenris finally looked down at Hawke, staring deeply into his eyes. “Nothing could be worse than the thought of living without you.”

Hawke let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding. Everything he had hoped for was happening, and he was certain it wasn’t a dream this time. “I understand. I always understood.”

“If there is a future to be had, I will walk into it gladly at your side,” Fenris said as he leaned his hands on the arms of Hawke’s chair. Fenris’s face hovered close enough to Hawke’s that Hawke took the opportunity to push himself into a standing position, capturing Fenris’s lips against his as he did so.

Welcoming arms found their way around Hawke’s torso as the two embraced each other. Hawke took this opportunity to carefully caress the base of Fenris’s neck. Hawke recalled that it was the one spot on Fenris’s body that was easy to caress without striking the lyrium tattoos. Hawke adjusted his head to the side in order to access Fenris’s mouth with ease, using his hand to press Fenris closer to him. Fenris’s hands balled against Hawke’s back, strangely nervous and content at the same time.

Hawke was barely surprised when he found himself faint from a lack of breath. Reluctantly, Hawke leaned his head back to break from kissing Fenris. Both were unwilling to part, evident in the way Fenris followed the retreating motion of Hawke’s lips, both planting faint kisses against one another’s lips as they regained their breath.

“You drive me insane, you know that right?” Fenris rhetorically asked.

“And to think, I haven’t even begun to try and drive you mad,” Hawke replied with a charming smile.

“Tempting,” Fenris said, enticing Hawke with a small smirk.

Hawke leaned in once more, seeming as if he was going to kiss Fenris, only to place his lips against Fenris’s neck. He began to work with Fenris as they both skillfully undid the straps that held together Fenris’s armor. After a few moments of lust-induced confusion and mutual laughter, they both managed to undo most of Fenris’s armor, leaving his pants as their last obstacle. Hawke briefly parted from Fenris to look at his lyrium markings as they glowed a faint blue.

“You’re beautiful.” Hawke smiled when he caught a glimpse of the light blush that crept onto Fenris’s cheeks, admiring his shyness towards compliments. He quickly kissed Fenris again before trailing several kisses down his neck.

Hawke made sure to only touch the skin unmarred by the intricate lyrium markings. He moved his way across Fenris’s throat, resting on his Adam’s apple. Hawke lightly applied pressure, knowing that the lyrium markings could cause Fenris pain if he wasn’t careful. Fenris’s hands grasped Hawke’s upper arms tightly, letting out a faint strangled noise that transformed into a soft moan.

Hawke released Fenris from his lips, hovering mere centimeters from his lover’s exposed throat. “Am I hurting you?” Hawke asked as he continued to hold Fenris in the same position. They were frozen in the moment, two lovers clasping tightly to one another in the shadows of the fire.

“Never,” Fenris panted lightly as he responded.

Hawke smiled to himself before he straightened himself upright. Fenris dawned a mixed expression of both confusion and fear. Hawke smiled before planting a quick kiss on Fenris’s lips, stating, “I’m only removing my armor.” A small smile pulled at the corners of Fenris’s lips once more, relieved that Hawke was not leaving him.

Hawke pulled the straps that fastened his armor to him, removing his Champion’s armor. Hawke pulled off one of his gauntlets before halting when he began to remove the other one. The gauntlet had covered the scar that ran along his forearm perfectly, and now that Hawke had pulled the gauntlet off some, the top of the scar was visible. Hawke hesitated long enough that Fenris realized his reason of reluctance.

Reaching out for Hawke, Fenris lightly touched his arm before removing the gauntlet entirely with his other hand. Hawke tried to hide his uneasiness by rotating his arm enough to hide the scar from Fenris’s view. Fenris’s grasp on Hawke’s forearm, however, tightened slightly to prevent Hawke from hiding the scar.

“Don’t be ashamed of it,” Fenris finally uttered.

“It’s a haunting reminder,” Hawke responded. “One I’d like to forget.”

“It’s a reminder that you _saved_ me,” Fenris said, bringing Hawke’s hand up to rest against his chest, just over his heart. “My heart still beats because of you.” Fenris lifted Hawke’s forearm higher as he leaned down to gently kiss the long disfigurement that ran down the soft underline of Hawke’s arm. “I’m just thankful you’re still here.”

Hawke watched as Fenris gently caressed the reminder that he used blood magic, and he was surprised. Fenris didn’t show any signs of disgust or anger, and Hawke felt himself about to break in response. The emotional barriers were beginning to crumble by this small gesture of Fenris’s acceptance. Hawke covered his face with his other hand, ashamed of himself as he began to cry. He sunk to his knees as everything hit him at once, nothing stopping the waves of emotion Hawke had buried deep down. He cried for Malcolm; for Bethany; for Leandra. He even cried for Carver. He cried because he wasn’t the Champion of Kirkwall at this moment: he was just Alexander Hawke, standing in front of the person he loved most in the world. And that person accepted him for all his faults, not just his public persona.

Fenris knelt beside Hawke, wrapping his arms around his back. “I’m here,” Fenris spoke softly against Hawke’s hair as he cradled his head. Hawke moved his arms so he could embrace Fenris, pressing his face into the elf’s abdomen. Hawke’s hands grasped tightly at Fenris’s back, clinging to him as if his was lost and Fenris was his compass. Fenris merely held onto Hawke tightly, thinking how fragile and childlike Hawke seemed suddenly. _He’s been strong for so long_ , Fenris thought. _It’s my turn to try and care for him_.

Fenris wasn’t sure how long had passed, or how they exactly came to be in the position they were in now, but he was glad Hawke was able to stop crying. Fenris ran his fingers gently through Hawke’s hair as they both looked at the fire’s flames dancing back and forth. Fenris was sitting with his legs sprawled out towards the fire, Hawke’s head resting peacefully in his lap. They hadn’t spoken for quite some time when Hawke finally decided to break the silence.

“I’m sorry,” Hawke apologized.

“Alexander,” Fenris’s voice caused a wave of comfort to crash through Hawke’s body. Hawke felt safe and at ease whenever Fenris spoke his name. “You don’t have to apologize. You’re not being weak by crying, either.” Fenris continued to run his fingertips through Hawke’s hair. “You’ve been strong for enough people for too long. You deserve a break.”

Hawke slowly sat up, causing Fenris to reluctantly let his hand fall from Hawke’s hair. Hawke looked at Fenris before leaning in to kiss him. Fenris gently, yet full-heartedly, responded. When Hawke broke from their kiss, he rested his forehead against Fenris’s.

Hawke took a deep breath before saying, “Thank you.”

“There’s no need to thank me,” Fenris responded as he gently caressed Hawke’s cheek.

Hawke hesitated, unsure of whether he should ask Fenris or not. Truth be told, Hawke was afraid he’d put their pending relationship in danger if he pushed the boundaries too far. _You just bawled your eyes out like a baby in front of him, and you think he’s going to kick you out if you ask to stay the night?_ Hawke mentally reprimanded himself. “May … may I stay the night?” Hawke looked Fenris in the eyes, trying to tell if he had overstepped his boundaries.

“Always,” Fenris responded with a full smile.

~0~0~0~0~0~

Hawke pretended to stare at the ceiling, stealing side-glances at Fenris every time he looked down at the page. Hawke made sure his bicep hid his eyesight from Fenris’s view, his hands substituting as pillows for his head.

Months had passed since Hawke’s break down in Fenris’s mansion. They had slowly begun to rekindle their relationship, their companions vocalizing their approval every now-and-then. Not that he would admit it, but Fenris had all but moved in with Hawke, spending most of his time at Hawke’s estate. Fenris could tell that Hawke was happy with his presence, asking him to spend the night, to which Fenris always full-heartedly obliged. He gladly abandoned his empty mansion in exchange for waking in Hawke’s arms, as it was a morning routine he happily became accustomed to.

“I know you’re watching me,” Fenris finally stated when he flipped the page of his book. “Besides, aren’t you supposed to supervise my reading?”

“I’m distracted,” Hawke admitted as he observed Fenris’s naked body.

The fire’s light accented the contours of Fenris’s body in a way Hawke was unfamiliar with and it excited him. _It’s like seeing him for the first time_ , Hawke thought as his eyes traveled the intricate lines of the lyrium across Fenris’s body. Fenris was laying on his stomach, a pillow resting under his elbows as he leaned over one of Varric’s books.

Hawke turned to lay on his side, resting his head in the palm of his hand to prop his head up. Hawke playfully arched his eyebrows as he spoke. “Besides, I am supervising.” He smiled when Fenris picked up one of the many strewed about pillows and playfully threw it at his face without looking. Hawke moved the pillow to rest down near his lower abdomen, leaning closer to Fenris. “I’d rather work on your ability to receive … _dic_ tation.” Hawke knew he had been spending too much time with Isabela when sexual innuendos began to creep into his relationship with Fenris.

“I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that,” Fenris replied.

Hawke watched Fenris’s eyebrows furrow as he struggled with a line of the text. Fenris’s mouth formed a pout before Hawke thought he saw a flash of anger cross his features. Hawke knew Fenris was angry when he closed the cover of the text before tossing it across the room. The book made a rather loud thud followed by the sound of the cover scraping across the floor before skidding to a halt.

“I know I can be infuriating sometimes, but my bio-epic can’t be that bad,” Hawke stated.

“Did you read it before allowing me access to it?” Fenris asked as he sat up some.

“No, actually. Varric lent it to me to read through before he began publicizing it.”

“He wrote about your life in Lothering,” Fenris stated, his voice sounding annoyed at the mention of Hawke’s home village.

“I guess. He must have been digging around,” Hawke replied.

“About someone named Catherine.” Hawke felt his entire back stiffen at the sound of her name. Hawke recalled drunkenly telling Varric about having a girlfriend once in his life. “He only mentions that you dated her,” Fenris added.

Hawke could tell by the sound of Fenris’s voice that he wasn’t angry as much as he was jealous. Hawke sat up, placing the pillow in his lap as he prepared for the conversation he dreaded having with Fenris. Everyone looked at him differently once they discovered his past. Hawke wasn’t afraid to relive the events, but was terrified at how Fenris would look at him afterwards.

“She was …” Hawke thought about how to word the events without sounding too traumatized. “She was my first and only girlfriend. I dated her to convince myself I was interested in women.” Hawke avoided eye contact with Fenris when he sat up some.

“You didn’t want to be with men?” Fenris questioned.

“No, I always did,” Hawke admitted. “I was afraid to admit it at first though.” Hawke thought about his childhood, and how he was brought up to be the living legacy of his family; how he was meant to marry and prosper. “In truth, I was afraid to tell my mother. She was constantly trying to marry me off to any pretty girl of satisfying background. I told my father before I told anyone else.” Hawke recalled their discussion together, how Malcolm told Hawke that things don’t always work the way people plan, but that doesn’t make someone strange, merely unique. Hawke also recalled Malcolm’s amused reaction when he realized it was Hawke’s sexuality and not magic that he was talking about.

“So you ended it with her?” Fenris asked out of curiosity.

“Yeah,” Hawke hesitated once more, thinking of walking away from the topic now. _He would never know if I just kept it to myself_ , Hawke thought when he considered telling Fenris of his trauma. “Fenris,” Hawke began, uncertain how to word his confession. “There’s no easy way for me to say this, but I have never … _willingly_ been with a woman. And Catherine is unfortunately the culprit of that.”

Fenris studied Hawke’s features more now, making Hawke nervous. _I feel like a predator’s prey right now_ , Hawke anxiously thought. Hawke peered at Fenris in quick glances, trying not to make eye-contact with him.

“What do you mean willing-” Fenris cut himself off, answering the question himself, his body suddenly sitting upright as if a machine’s cogs finally began to wind. “Alexander,” Fenris used his first name with such care, gently touching his arm in a comforting way.

“It’s wasn’t really that bad,” Hawke said, not wanting Fenris to think of him as the helpless teenager he was. “It happened, and I was lucky enough to find the courage to get out before anything else happened.”

“You don’t have to write off your trauma as something minor,” Fenris finally stated. Hawke looked at Fenris for the first time since admitting what happened with Catherine. “It’s common for people to think that men can’t be victims of sexual aggression and violence, but-”

“It’s not so much _that_ as it is that I’m upset that you could not be my first,” Hawke’s voice began to fade with each word he spoke. He felt like a teenager again, harboring such childish notions of love. “I wish I could take back being with her. With those men. I wish I could just be _this_.”

Fenris looked at Hawke for several moments before turning to look at the fire next to them. Hawke felt awkward after his confession, thinking that he crossed some invisible line that he didn’t sense. Fenris let out an exasperated breath, causing Hawke to look at him.

“I have something I wish to tell you as well,” Fenris finally stated. “I planned on burying it, but I think you already have speculations about it.” Fenris drew his legs up to his chest, wrapping his arms around his knees. The gesture was uncharacteristic of Fenris, making him look like an innocent child about to tell a parent the details of a nightmare that haunted them. “When Danarius spoke of my _talents_ ,” Fenris paused as he thought about what to say. The way Fenris emphasized “talents” made Hawke’s stomach churn. Hawke recalled the way Danarius spoke of Fenris; the way he looked at him. And Hawke abhorred him for it. “I acted out of fear of you discovering the truth. I was Danarius’s slave—in every sense of the term—and he took pleasure in that.” Fenris looked down at the floor before adding, “In me.”

Upon hearing Danarius talking about Fenris in the Hanged Man, Hawke had come to several conclusions. _Mostly I concluded that I wanted to rip him apart with my bare hands. And that he was a dead man walking_ , Hawke thought to himself as he recalled the memory. Hawke reached out towards Fenris, gently touching one of his arms. Fenris looked up at Hawke, watching his features.

“I’m unclean,” Fenris faintly stated, drawing himself away from Hawke’s touch. “He marked me in every way possible. Even my name is tainted.”

Hawke moved his hand to cup Fenris’s cheek, his palm gently resting against his jaw. “Don’t talk about yourself that way.” Hawke wished he could have protected Fenris from his past, from the magic that haunted him. Fenris had been strong for so long that he was always used to taking care of himself, but Hawke wanted to be able to change that, perhaps so they could lean on each other. “What happened to you doesn’t make you any less of the man that I have come to love. There is nothing wrong with you. I am blessed by the Maker to be with you now.” Hawke moved his thumb against Fenris’s cheek, an attempt to comfort him. “Our pasts are over. But our future,” Hawke paused as he leaned forward, resting his forehead against Fenris’s. “Our future is each other, and that’s all that matters. Not Catherine. Not Danarius. But us. And as long as I can call you mine, and you call me yours, our names don’t matter.”

A few moments passed in silence, the crackle of the fire filling the air around them. Fenris slowly extended his neck forward, pressing his lips against Hawke’s. Fenris reached out for Hawke, grasping his neck as they pulled each other close.

Fenris slid his hand down from Hawke’s neck, resting against his chest. Drawing out their kiss into a slow roll of tongues against one another, Fenris pulled back enough to look into Hawke’s eyes. “I love you.”

“And I love you,” Hawke replied with a smile.

Fenris leaned in to kiss him again, gently pushing Hawke onto his back. Fenris climbed over him, his legs resting on either side of Hawke’s waist as he continued to kiss him. Hawke’s hands rested against Fenris’s hips before he ran his fingertips up along Fenris’s spine. Fenris’s breath hitched in his throat as his body shivered in response to Hawke’s touch. He felt his arousal growing as he resumed kissing Hawke.

Hawke effortlessly rolled them both until he was on top, his hands leaving Fenris’s body to brace himself above his lover. Fenris’s legs were loosely wrapped around Hawke’s hips, his arms around Hawke’s shoulders as they clung to one another. Hawke surprised Fenris when he reached behind himself to unhook Fenris’s legs from his waist. Fenris loosened his grip on Hawke’s shoulders as he leaned out from their kiss. Hawke smiled at Fenris’s quizzical expression, leaning forward to plant a kiss in between his arched eyebrows.

“I was thinking about trying something different,” Hawke stated as he moved his own legs to straddle Fenris’s.

Fenris watched Hawke’s movements, uncertain at first what he meant. Hawke had placed himself far enough on Fenris’s body that Fenris’s erection was touching Hawke’s opening. Fenris’s eyes widened slightly with realization. “Hawke!” Fenris pushed his body into an upright position as he understood what Hawke meant by ‘something different.’ Fenris sounded concerned, having never necessarily ‘topped.’ Well, he had been on top, but always receiving Hawke instead of the other way around. Fenris knew Hawke had never bottomed before, and that added to his anxiety. Fenris wanted Hawke to feel pleasure, but doubted his own abilities in being able to give him such feelings.

“Relax,” Hawke responded with a slight chuckle. “I trust you,” Hawke added as he slowly kissed Fenris. Fenris brought his hands to rest on Hawke’s back as he kissed him in response.

Hawke leaned up onto his knees before he guided Fenris’s hand to his opening. Fenris looked up at Hawke with slight uncertainty. Hawke was always in control of their love making, and Fenris had grown accustomed to it. He felt a weight of responsibility, as he was now afraid he would hurt Hawke. Fenris recalled what he could about his first time being entered, and all he could remember was the pain. Fenris shoved the thought of his first time out of his mind, not wanting to think about Danarius at a time like this. This was different, as was every time he was with Hawke. There was nothing but love and consent between the two of them, and Fenris wanted to make sure it wasn’t tainted by thoughts of Danarius.

Fenris recalled the way Hawke would always prepare him, attempting to mirror those actions as best he could. He felt nothing but pleasure when Hawke entered him, and he wanted Hawke to feel the same.

“Fenris,” Hawke lightly moaned.

Fenris moved slowly to roll them once more, making Hawke resume his original position on the bottom. Hawke allowed his head to rest against the blanket they had sprawled across the floor earlier in their activities. Hawke became very aware of Fenris’s mouth on his body as his lover followed the small trail of hair that ran from Hawke’s chest to his abs. Hawke focused his attention on the intricate design of his bedroom ceiling, his mind racing with euphoria as Fenris’s mouth tantalized his body. Hawke was amazed at how much pleasure he was receiving. He was surprised at his body’s relaxation as he thought about the anxiety he felt in his dreams when he fantasized of Fenris taking him.

Everything faded once Fenris was kissing Hawke again. Nothing mattered to them as they embraced each other tightly. Hawke winced at the pain and discomfort at first, not used to the foreign penetration. Fenris moved and acted in response to every pained expression or admittance from his lover, trying to make their time together as blissful as possible, and Hawke loved him for that.

The pain began to pass as pleasure took over, Fenris keeping his pace slow but timed. It felt like a planned dance routine, their passion increasing as they nailed every move. Within a short time, Hawke began a mantra of moans and utterances that often ended in Fenris’s name. Fenris began to reply with his own set of moans, unable to contain his approval of the pleasure he was feeling. Hawke loved to see someone as stoic as Fenris begin to lose himself in pleasure; in him.

After both their climaxes, a silence befell the room as both men attempted to regain their breath. Fenris allowed his body to collapse gracefully on top of Hawke’s, his head resting against Hawke’s shoulder. Once his senses began to clear, Fenris became aware of Hawke’s fingers gently playing with a strand of his hair. Hawke’s breathing rhythmically slowed as he caught his breath, his head resting against Fenris’s.

"That was …" Hawke breathing was still heavy as he tried to catch his breath some.

"Different?" Fenris asked, lifting his head to look at Hawke. He was nervous about Hawke's response, unsure how he felt about bottoming.

"I was going to say amazing. But yeah, it was different too." Hawke smiled as he looked at Fenris. Hawke reached his hand up to caress Fenris's face; a loving, gentle gesture that put Fenris at ease. "Looks like I trusted the right man," Hawke said before leaning in to kiss Fenris quickly.

"A mutual feeling," Fenris replied through their kisses.

An hour past as they basked in the aftermath of it all. Laughter and happiness filled the room as they talked about their lives and future together, never dwelling on the past. Fenris was surprised when Hawke rose from their makeshift bed on the floor, walking over to Varric's book Fenris had discarded across the room. Fenris observed Hawke's body from his position on the ground. He found himself smiling at how at ease Hawke appeared, aimlessly walking over to the fireplace as he flipped through the pages of Varric's embellishments about Hawke's exploits. Hawke leaned against the fireplace's mantle before his eyes flickered above the book's pages to look at Fenris.

Fenris felt uneasy at the silence that fell over them, uncertain of Hawke's thoughts. Fenris felt his eyes widen slightly when Hawke tore a page from the book. He was even more surprised when Hawke tossed the book into the fire.

"Varric's going to be very upset," Fenris commented as Hawke sat down next to him.

"It was full of lies. I kept the honest part," Hawke reclined back, placing the page in Fenris's lap.

Fenris watched Hawke as he closed his eyes, placing his hands behind his head as a pillow. Fenris looked down at the page in his lap and began to read it.

_The Champion's life is not one of easy triumphs. Happiness and sorrow followed him throughout his life, marking him as a complex man. A devoted son, a caring brother, a true friend. None of these epithets do the Champion justice. He has struggled through both loss and gain, always standing by his friends in their darkest moments. But most importantly, he has found peace and love in the most unlikeliest of persons. They both found peace from lifetimes of war. The Champion has proven that even a brooding elf and a sarcastic mage can find happiness in Kirkwall._

Fenris shook his head at the last line on the page before he smiled to himself, looking at Hawke's reclined form before leaning down to kiss him. Hawke responded, his fingers running up through Fenris's hair.

"My lessons must be working," Hawke uttered once they parted. Fenris arched his eyebrow in question to what lessons Hawke was referring to. "You're reading much faster," Hawke stated with a smile, resulting in Fenris giving him one of his looks.

"Must be the _rewards_ ," Fenris replied before leaning back in to kiss Hawke again.

The night passed with exchanges of intimate words and kisses, creating a private world for just the two of them. Hawke fell asleep holding Fenris against his body. Fenris curled his body, snuggling his back into Hawke's chest as their fingers interlaced. Hawke kissed the back of Fenris's head before whispering a soft 'good night' as he began to drift off into sleep. He smiled to himself, overjoyed that he finally found the place he belonged. There was no need to run or hide anymore now that he had Fenris, and Hawke felt his fear and loneliness die away. He no longer had to strive to be the Champion of Kirkwall or Alexander Hawke. He was an apostate mage who fell in love with a former slave, and part of Hawke loved to think of their relationship in those boiled down terms. They loved each other regardless of their pasts, and that meant the world to Hawke.

"Good night, _emma lath_ ," Fenris's sleepy voice replied to Hawke's earlier utterance.

Hawke smiled at Fenris's use of the elven term for 'my love.'  _As long as I have him, I don't have to be perfect. I can just be his lover_ , Hawke happily thought before he fell asleep. For the first time in years, Hawke slept soundly that night, knowing that Fenris would always be by his side when he awoke.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to join me on tumblr:
> 
> [drunklightning](http://drunklightning.tumblr.com) is my blog where I reblog anything I find of interest.
> 
> [dexterous-sinistrous](http://dexterous-sinistrous.tumblr.com) is suited towards my ramblings about my writing, and NSFW. (It's where I serenade myself about Sterek). It's my trashcan of emotions. Feel free to stop by and say hi, criticize me, make incoherent noises with me, whatevs.
> 
> [Send](http://dexterous-sinistrous.tumblr.com/ask) me any prompts you think you'd like to have me write!


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